A Sunday Game Of Golf

A certain pastor was an exemplar of his calling in all ways, except one: he was a golfing fanatic and spent as much time on the links as he could.

 One spring, he was faced with two weeks of unending rain; even he couldn't get a round in. Came the dawn of a sunny Sunday, he wrestled with his conscience, and sad to say, lost.

 On the phone to the Assistant Pastor:

 "Tom, I can't make it today, I'm under the weather. You'll have to take the morning service", and off to the links he goes.

 St. Peter and the Lord are observing this and St Peter splutters:

 "Look at him! He's playing hookey, not golf! You've got to *do* something."

 The Lord replied, "Patience, Peter. Just watch this".

 The pastor was addressing his ball on the fourth, a massive dogleg right, par 5 out over the water and past sand traps everywhere. Just as he swung, the Lord uttered a fiat and the ball soared a ton. Up it went into the air, curved gracefully to the right, hit the green and dropped straight into the cup.

 St. Peter was incoherent: "But...but... you were going to *get* him!"

 The Lord replied "Who is he going to tell?"

 *****

 Cherry Brandy

 Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

 "Gladly," responded the good man.

 When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column.  There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

 ******

 Forrest Gump

 Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter says, "This place is filling up so fast, we've had to begin giving an entrance exam to get in". "The test I have for you is only three questions.

 1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

3. What is God's first name? "

St. Peter gives Forrest time to think the questions over. Soon, St. Peter  says, "Tell me your answers.

 First, What days of the week begin with the letter T?

  Forrest says, "Well, the first one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

 The Saint said, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking of! Hummmm, but you do have a point. I'll give you credit for that answer."

 "How about the next question?" "How many seconds in a year?

 Forrest answers, "Twelve."

  St. Peter says, "Twelve? How could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

 "Forrest says, "Gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second.....".

 St. Peter says, "I see your point. I'll give you credit for that one,  too." " Let's go on with the next and final question."

 "Can you tell me God's first name?"

 Forrest replied, "Andy".

  St Peter says, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but how in the world did you came up with the name "Andy" as the first name of God?"

 "That was the easiest one of all", Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song.....

      "ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

     "ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

     "ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN......

 *****

 Whole Friars

 The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the necessary funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down their shop, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.

 They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to close their business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that.......

         (Ready for the punch line??)

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 *****

 True Lawyer Story

 A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.  He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.  The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.  After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

 "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.  While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803.  Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

 Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

 "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.  I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present  application.  I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.  For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.  The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.  Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.  And God, it is commonly  accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.  I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

 Now, may we have our loan?"

 They got it.